Unit 4 Key 5 – For the Mentor

JOURNEY TO FREEDOM HANDBOOK

UNIT IV Key 5 LOVE

Purpose of this Key:

1) Evaluate how much they have grown in their ability to love themselves.

2) Evaluate how much they have grown in their ability to love others.

3) Understand how the loving people in their lives have helped them learn to love.

4) Assess how they have reached out to love difficult people and to reconcile broken relationships.

5) Explore friendships with heterosexuals of the same sex.

Romans 13:10

Common responses:

Jesus showed us how to love others the right way.
We need to work on loving our neighbors.
Love does not hurt anyone.
When we love, we obey God’s will.
Godly love does not act out selfish lust toward others.
We need to love others intentionally; love does not just happen.

Points to emphasize:

We fall short of God’s ideals about love.
We need to confess as sin our failures to love.
The 10 Commandments teach us how to love God and others.
We grow spiritually when we love difficult people.
God loved us when we did not want His love and did not care about Him (Romans 5:8).
Godly love does not use others for our selfish gratification (I Corinthians 13:5).
God reserved sexual love for marriage (Exodus 20:14 & Hebrews 13:4).
Love is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22).
God will bless us and give us joy as we seek to love others (John 15:9-11).
Our private fantasies are often selfish and exploitative, and we need to repent of them.
We often have to pray for guidance on how to love difficult people.

Matthew 22:34-40

Common responses:

When loving our neighbor becomes our highest priority, we are following Jesus’ priority.
Love will make everything perfect.
In the next life, we will be surrounded by love.
We need to love ourselves, because we are reflecting God’s love.
We do not love rightly in ssa/ma/tx relationships.
We were created for love.
We are to love others as Jesus does.

Points to emphasize:

If we love God and our neighbor, we will keep the Commandments.
The first 3 of the 10 Commandments teach us how to love God.
The next 7 of the 10 Commandments teach us how to love others.
There is no limit to how much we can love God and others.
The more we confess our sins and receive God’s forgiveness, the more we love God and therefore others.
The more we value the good in ourselves, the easier it is to value the good in others.
Most people understand these verses; putting them into practice is harder.

John 6:1-14

Common responses:

Jesus loved the people, so He fed them.
If we are obeying God, we do not have to worry, because we can trust Him to provide.
When we give love freely, God will multiply it.
Jesus used His disciples to pass out the food, and He will use us to spread His love.
Love is shown by actions.

Points to emphasize:

Jesus showed love by giving the people food; He also showed love by putting a faith-building experience into their lives.
The boy who gave Jesus his lunch showed a lot of faith. He had no idea what Jesus would do with it; he gave Jesus his lunch as an act of love.
The boy had more faith than the disciples. He gave Jesus the one thing he had, with no thought for his own needs.
The people received more than they needed.
The crowd had probably brought food with them, but they were so interested in Jesus’ teaching that they stayed long after their food was gone. They were seeking first God’s kingdom and righteousness (Matthew 6:33). They showed great faith in Jesus, and He provided for them.

I Samuel 18:1

Common responses:

True friendship is a spiritual bond.
When we love others as ourselves, our souls are knit together.
When we love God, we are knit together with Him.
Jonathan and David were knit together because of their common love for God.
When our souls are knit together, we feel each others’ joy and sorrows.
Jonathan loved God so much that He accepted God’s choice of David to be the future king.
Godly love is never jealous of others’ gifts and callings.

Points to emphasize:

These two godly men, a prince and a shepherd, were totally surrendered to God’s will.
Both were completely unselfish. David had just killed Goliath, thereby serving his country despite the risk to himself. Jonathan gave David his robe and military equipment, thereby accepting God’s choice of David to be the future king.
People who claim these two were gay lovers may have never had a true friend.
People who have ssa/ma/tx temptations need close friendships with heterosexuals of the same sex to meet their emotional needs.
Sexuality was never meant to carry the full burden of unmet emotional needs or be the way for two people of the same sex to bond with each other.
Love, friendship, approval, understanding, loyalty, acceptance, and belonging should be available without providing sex. Church should be a good place to find godly friendships.
Many ssa/ma/tx men never had a close friend of the same sex during childhood and adolescence. Sex became their way to try to bond with other males.
David and Jonathan’s friendship is an example of manly, brotherly love based on their common faith.

1. On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate your self-image? Explain your answer.

Common responses:

Answers will vary.
Some are still feeling badly about the sins of the past.
Some report their self-image has improved.
Some are feeling good about the changes they have made in their lives.
Their self-image has improved because they know God has forgiven them.

Points to emphasize:

Refer them to I Corinthians 6:11, “…and such WERE some of you….”
Refer them to I Timothy 1:12-17 and I Corinthians 15:9-10, and ask them to compare those passages with what Paul says about himself in Acts 22:19-21 and 26:9-11.
Refer them to I Corinthians 1:26-28.
They can pray for any former victims to receive salvation and healing.
When we obey God’s call on our lives, we work with Jesus to destroy the works of the devil (I John 3:8b).
The Gospel heals lives that have been damaged by sin, so we should spread the Gospel every chance we get.
Advise them to focus on how highly Jesus esteems us. He died on the cross on our behalf. Refer them to II Corinthians 5:21 and Matthew 5:13-16.
The more we confess our sins, the more we like who we become as God works in our lives.
A negative self-image is based on the lies of the devil. When our self-talk becomes negative, we can shut ourselves up alone with God and ask Him, “Is this true?”
God’s love is not based on our performance (Romans 5:6-10). We should not love ourselves based on our performance. Ideally, we should love ourselves unconditionally like Jesus loves us so we can love others unconditionally.
God sees us as penitent sinners whom He is in the process of sanctifying (Philippians 1:6 & I Thessalonians 5:23).
We can begin each day asking Him to reveal His will to us. We experience His love as we put it into action (John 15:10).
They might benefit from reading earlier Keys to see how much progress they have made.

2. On a scale of 1-10, how much has your self-image improved since you began the Keys? Please explain some of the ways in which you view yourself differently.

Common responses:

Most report an improved self-image.
Many report that they feel better about themselves because they realize that God is helping them to solve their problems.
Some report that they used to feel unable to control their actions, which caused low self-esteem.
Many report that they now realize they can help and contribute to others.
Some have noticed that they care more about others.
Some report that their self-image has improved because they know God loves them and has forgiven them.

Points to emphasize:

Affirm that Jesus thought they were worth dying for (Romans 5:8-10) and that they have something to contribute to others (Ephesians 2:10).
Affirm that our self-image needs to be based on who we are in Christ. Our confidence needs to be based on God’s Word (Romans 10:17), His forgiveness (Romans 8:1), obedience to His will (John 10:27), and His strength (Philippians 4:13).
Encourage thanks and praise to God.

3. Are there some relationships that God has put into your life to fill what was lacking in your relationships with parents, other adults, authority figures, peers, and other people with whom you have had troubled relationships? If so, who are they, and what did they bring to you that you needed?

Common responses:

Some have gotten love, acceptance, respect, and encouragement.
Some have gotten from their churches what they could not get from their families.
Some have been able to mentor others and give what was lacking in someone else’s life.
Some have not yet found such relationships.

Points to emphasize:

Encourage thanks and praise to God for good relationships.
They can ask God to point them to people who will be helpful to them.
Some are coping with a season of being alone. This is an opportunity to shut themselves up alone with the Holy Spirit as He works deep changes in their thinking.

4. What did these relationships teach you about love?

Common responses:

Love endures adversity.
Love gives more than it takes.
Love accepts us as we are and does not judge.
Love is action, not just emotion.
Love sometimes comes from unexpected sources.

Points to emphasize:

Affirm any Biblical responses.
Encourage thanks and praise to God.
After receiving salvation, ssa/ma/tx overcomers’ greatest need is often true friends of the same sex as them, who know all about their struggles, love them anyway, and are not afraid to give sincere non-sexual hugs.

5. In what ways did you become more loving as a result?

Common responses:

Many have become more kind and generous, and less selfish.
Many have more respect for others.
Many are learning to have non-sexual relationships.
Many have become more empathetic and accepting.
Many see themselves as more patient.

Points to emphasize:

Affirm any Biblical response.
Encourage thanks and praise to God.
Affirm that they will like who they become as God transforms them.
Affirm that God will bless their generosity.
Remind them that they are witnessing by their lives. Even if unbelievers do not consciously realize it, they are watching the believers to see if they are sincere.

6. In what ways have you reached out in love to difficult people? That can include family members or anyone else. What was the result?

Common responses:

Some have tried to be helpful and kind to difficult people.
Some have tried to reconcile with loved ones, with positive results.
Some have learned to give and receive feedback graciously.
Some have tried to reconcile with loved ones, but with no positive results.
Some are praying as they wait on God’s timetable.

Points to emphasize:

Encourage thanks and praise to God for any favorable results.
Affirm any efforts they have made to reach out. The efforts strengthened their ability to love even if the result was not positive.
God sometimes teaches us to love by putting loving people into our lives to show us how. He sometimes teaches us to love by putting difficult people into our lives to stretch our ability to love.
If we show love to difficult people, and they refuse to love us back, we can celebrate with Jesus because we obeyed His will.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for others is to pray for them to repent.

7. What are some of the situations in your life now where you need to reach out in love?

Common responses:

Many are struggling to cope with difficult people, without becoming angry or vindictive.
Many are trying to reconcile broken relationships.
Many are trying to be more loving in all situations on a daily basis.
Some are reaching out to people they have usually avoided.

Points to emphasize:

Affirm any efforts they are making to love better.
Encourage them to pray for others and be Spirit-led.
The Holy Spirit is delighted when we ask Him to show us how to love better.
Encourage them to listen to those whom they have hurt. They need to show empathy for the pain they have caused others so that reconciliation can occur.
Love is hard. People are often irritating, ungrateful, and unpleasant; and they might refuse to love us back.
The better we love ourselves, the better we can love others.
God will bless obedience, often in unexpected ways (Ecclesiastes 11:1).
They should not be surprised if they reach out to unbelievers and receive rejection and hostility in return. It is not easy to love and expect nothing in return. This does not mean that we have failed.

8. Please read I Samuel 19:1-7, chapter 20, and II Samuel 9. What do these texts say to you about friendships between heterosexuals of the same sex?

Common responses:

Responses will vary. These texts say different things to different people.
Jonathan accepted David as God’s choice to be the next king.
Jonathan refused to help his father kill David. He did not try to prevent David from becoming king instead of him.
They were loyal to each other, respected each other’s gifts, kept their promises to each other, and sacrificed for each other.
After Jonathan died, David took care of Jonathan’s family as though they were his own.
They both did what God said was right.
Most realize that such close friendships are possible; not everyone has experienced this, but most wish for it.

Points to emphasize:

Affirm any Biblical insights.
Pagan kings often killed off the families of their rivals and confiscated their property. But David spared the lives of Jonathan’s family and gave them back their land. Jonathan had saved David’s life repeatedly, and David never forgot it.
In I Samuel 18:4, Jonathan gave David his robe and military equipment because he knew David would become king instead of him.
Jonathan did not disagree with his father’s accusation in I Samuel 20:30-31. A pagan prince would have helped his father kill his rival, but Jonathan did all he could to save David’s life.
Their entire relationship was based on their willingness to obey God. They invoked God’s Name to bless their loyalty (I Samuel 20:42). David was about to go live in the wilderness with his followers. After that, they would see each other only one more time (I Samuel 23:16-18) before Jonathan dies in battle (I Samuel 31:2).

9. On a scale of 1-10, how victorious have you been lately? Please explain your answer.

Common responses:

Most are doing well.
Some report having had sexual opportunities, but refused.
Some report sensing the nearness of God when they pray for help against temptation.
Some report changes in their thinking.

Points to emphasize:

Encourage thanks and praise to God for any victory gained.
If the number is high because they have had very little temptation lately, encourage thanks and praise to God.
If the number is high because they have had to fight much temptation and were successful, encourage thanks and praise to God.
More tests will likely be put in their way, but future tests should not spoil their enjoyment of the victories they have had so far.
Avoid criticizing a low number. Try to find out the reason for it. Ask about their thoughts, attitudes, stressful situations, how they are using their time, or if anything unexpected has happened.
If they sin less frequently than before, assure them that God has been working in their lives. Encourage progress, not perfection.
If they slipped into sin but noticed that the feelings were not as strong, that is a sign of God at work in their lives. Encourage them to confess it, accept God’s forgiveness, and get back on track.
If they feel worse after sinning than they used to, that is a sign that God has made their consciences more responsive to His will. They can be thankful for their awakened consciences; they used to be dead in their sins (Ephesians 2:1).
Remind them that I John 1:9 and Romans 8:1 always apply.
Encourage them to retrace their steps and ask the Holy Spirit to give them insight into what weakness led to the fall.
Encourage them to confess sins of thoughts (Romans 12:2) in order to more easily avoid sins of words and deeds.
Continue to encourage them to use memorized Scripture to block tempting and negative thoughts. Encourage use of the Emergency Prayer.
If they view themselves as making very little progress, keep their focus on God’s mercy rather than their own failures. Punishing themselves with guilt accomplishes nothing; Jesus took the punishment on their behalf.
New Christians do not always understand the difference between temptation and actual sin. Some give themselves a low number, but while the temptation was great, they may not have fallen into sin. Explain the difference to them.
If they have not had temptation in a long while, they might need to be aware that the devil does not give up easily and may be preparing a major attack. This possibility should not prevent them from enjoying their progress now. Overcomers commonly experience a major attack of temptation before getting the final victory over a besetting sin. If they withstand a big temptation, which can go on for days or weeks, they will usually find themselves that much stronger once it is over. Encourage them to pray for rescue immediately when tempted.

10. Did you use any memorized Scripture to battle temptation lately? What was the result?

Common responses:

Most have stories to share and are amazed at the results.
Some are amazed at how much they have been able to memorize.
Some have not memorized any new verses but are effectively using what they have already memorized.
By now, most have learned to use the Word effectively against temptation.
Most are using the Word against sins of deeds. Some are still learning to use it against the sins of thoughts, selfishness, discouragement, etc.
Some are less consistent.

Points to emphasize:

Affirm any Biblical response.
Affirm any awareness of sins of thoughts and attitudes, which lead to sins of deeds and words.
Remind them that every time they do this, they become stronger.
Remind them that the brain is growing new neurons to encode memorized Scripture instead of their sinful thoughts.

11. How is your spiritual life in general, how are your private devotions, and how are things at your church/fellowship group?

Common responses:

Answers will vary.
Most report that things are going well.
A few are beginning to emerge as leaders in their church/fellowship group.

Points to emphasize:

Encourage them to praise God for whatever is going well.
Explore what is not going well and try to help them find out why.
Counsel based on your knowledge, experience, and what you have learned from working with this person.

Plan of Action:

Affirm any Biblical response.
Counsel based on your knowledge, experience, and what you have learned from working the program with this person.
Give lots of encouragement for any valid ideas on how to make changes.
Encourage confession of sin and receiving forgiveness where they identify a need to make changes.

Additional points:

Sometimes we long to be loved by a particular person. We are willing to do anything necessary so the other person will return our love.
We think up more and more things to do to win that person’s love, hoping that the next effort we make will cause that person to love us.
The pain of rejection and continual disappointment can be almost unendurable.
Please see Genesis 29:30-35 and 30:17-20. Leah was the unloved wife. Every time she had another baby, she hoped that this time her husband would love her.
Three times she gave birth to a son, thinking each time that God would cause her husband to finally love her.
After the fourth baby, she switched her focus from desiring her husband’s love to desiring fellowship with God. She began to praise God for Who He was, not for what she hoped He would give her.
After the fifth and sixth babies, she still held onto the hope that Jacob would love her. But she also gave God the praise for every one of those babies.
God did not override Jacob’s free will; Jacob favored Rachel, though he had no objection to repeatedly making Leah pregnant.
God intervened in another way. Genesis 29:31 tells us that He saw that Rachel was favored and Leah was not.
In a culture where women received respect for having many children, especially sons, God gave Leah six sons in a row. Meanwhile, year after year, Rachel carried the pain of childlessness.
When we suffer from unrequited love, God has His ways of bringing balance. Leah finally accepted that God was blessing her through her children. She became an ancestor of Jesus (Matthew 1:2-3).
Jacob’s favoritism caused great harm to the family. He overlooked Rachel’s idolatry (Genesis 31:30-35). The curse he pronounced in verse 32 led to Rachel’s death in childbirth with Benjamin (Genesis 35:16-19). Favoritism led eventually to Leah’s sons and the concubines’ sons selling Rachel’s son Joseph to slave traders.
This was not a happy family. Redemption did not come until Joseph forgave his brothers.
In the midst of it, God brought Leah joy. We can also look to God to bring us joy in some way other than that which we had hoped for.